Amon Cohen gets his gongs out again with business travel’s answer to the Golden Raspberries. Here are this year’s jammy winners...
By popular demand (that is, a couple of tweets and a comment I vaguely recall someone making in the gents at the Institute of Travel & Meetings conference gala dinner), it is my privilege to bring you yet again the annual Gongs in Travel for 2013, better known as the Gits. And with no further ado (rustle of envelope)...
The 2013 Jam on the Cohen Family Dining Table Award for Services Rendered to Business Travel Journalism (Sponsor: Tiptree)
WINNER:IATA for New Distribution Capability
Do you have the slightest idea what NDC is, or why it matters? I don’t either, but that hasn’t stopped me trousering fat fees attempting to explain it to you through the printed word and assorted conference sessions over the past 12 months. William Hill has already stopped taking bets on NDC winning next year, too.
The National Cones Hotline Memorial Cup for Most Boring Name in Corporate Travel
Winner: IATA for New Distribution Capability
Runner-up: Integrated Public Transport Information System
Come on guys, if we’re going to have to talk about it for years to come, can’t we have a sexier moniker? If IATA had any PR nous at all, it would hold a competition to give NDC a brand new name. The prize could be an exciting all-expenses-paid day out at its offices in Richmond (Surrey, that is, not Virginia). As for IPTIS, if you really want to know, it’s a door-to-door journey planning tool recently acquired by Silver Rail. See, that’s how to do it: Silver Rail is a dull old rail content aggregator, but a name like that makes it sound so much more glamorous.
Daily Mail Scapegoat of the Year
Winner: IATA for...oh, you know
“I wanted to kill myself”, one journalist told a conference after wading through all 400-plus comments on NDC sent to the US Department of Transportation, so proving NDC even drives people to contemplating suicide. Rumours that IATA was also responsible for the banking crisis, high energy prices and One Direction are still being verified.
The Rupert Murdoch Tin Plate for Best Impression of Eating Humble Pie
Winner: Michael O’Leary
Was it just a dream, or did Ryanair’s chief bull-in-a-china-shop really respond to falling profits by admitting to an “abrupt culture” and pledging to “try to eliminate things that unnecessarily” annoy customers? Not only is the airline upgrading its complaints-handling team (from a wastepaper basket, presumably), it’s even going to accept Amex cards.
The Gaviscon Award for Failure to Swallow Humble Pie
Winner: Michael O’Leary
Oh dear – new, cuddly Ryanair hasn’t got off to the best of starts. Soon after minting its new, caring-sharing image, a meet-the-public tweeting session goes wrong from the outset when Mr O’Leary responds to a question from a female customer with the immortal comment: “Nice pic. Phwoaaarr!” then follows up in an interview by dismissing global warming as a myth and suggesting most women want to stay at home with the kids.
The Stephen Hawking Award for Jaw-Dropping Innovation
Winner: Easyjet
In September, travel managers’ newest, orangiest best friend stunned the market by announcing (cue fanfare) the Inclusive Fare. For an all-in price you receive – get this – not only a seat on an aeroplane but free transportation of your suitcase, the ability to choose your seat and no fee for using a credit card for the privilege of giving Easyjet some money. Just imagine someone suggesting an idea like that ten years ago – they’d have been laughed out of town.
Most Pretentious Guff of 2013
Winner: W Hotels
Bestowed for the card on my bed stating: “For your convenience, rooms are styled between 9am and 5pm daily.” Do I look like someone who wants his bedroom “styled”? Couldn’t you just effing-well clean it? At least I’m finally getting a shrewd idea of what the ‘W’ in W Hotels stands for.
Unlikely White Knight of the Year
Winner: the Italian post office
For investing up to €100 million to keep Alitalia airborne. Why? Search me – I can only assume it’s because what the Italian state carrier’s executives know about running a profitable airline could safely be written on the back of one of the PO’s stamps.
Derek the Dodo (in a glass case) Trophy for Most Endangered Species
Winner: useful corporate airline deals
A complete set of hen’s teeth goes to any travel manager who has succeeded in obtaining a decent discount in the fare classes they want, with the exact airlines (rather than joint-venture combinations of useful partners and useless hangers-on) they want from an airline sales person who didn’t have to run off to their revenue management department to check it was all right with them.
Fyffes Banana Skins Cup for Biggest Transport Cock-up of the Year – Overseas Section
Note: both entries below were also highly commended in the Silvio Berlusconi Commemorative Hair-piece Category for Foreigners Making Brits Feel Better About Themselves (winner: US Congress Republicans; runner-up: Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford)
Winner: Fyra Amsterdam-Brussels high-speed rail service
Opened six years late, December 2012. Suspended, permanently, January 2013, owing to doors not opening, doors not closing, steps not working and parts of the undercarriage falling off when it snowed – which apparently it does sometimes in European winters. Even the ceremonial starting cannon failed on its maiden journey, delaying departure by 23 minutes. It’s a cock-up of a magnitude others can only dream of.
Runner-up: Berlin Brandenburg Airport
Berlin’s new airport still has, at time of writing, no opening date despite originally being scheduled to open in October 2011. Project costs have soared from €2.4 billion to almost €5 billion and it costs €20 million per month to maintain (more than Berlin Tegel, which actually operates some flights), partly because, and I promise I’m not making this up, engineers don’t know how to switch the lights off…