INCIDENTALLY: No Frills Travel ” The Future
Attendant: ”Welcome aboard FlyNoFrills.con.” Sir. May I see your
ticket?”
Passenger: ”Sure”.
Attendant: ”You're in seat 12B. That will be a fiver please”!
Passenger: ”What for?”
Attendant: ”For telling you where to sit.”
Passenger: ”But I already knew where to sit.”
Attendant: ”Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat-locator fee of ”5.
It's the airline's new policy.”
Passenger: ”That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.”
Attendant: ”Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?”
Passenger: ”Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going
to hear about this.
Attendant: ”Please do. Our passenger services person is on holiday
at present but I am sure she will open your letter when she returns.
All 150 aircraft in the fleet follow the same policy. By the way your
carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead
compartment for you?”
Passenger: ”That would be lovely, thanks”.
Attendant: ”No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done! That will be
”10, please. In fact you could have paid that at check-in with a 50%
reduction”.
Passenger: ”What?”
Attendant: ”The airline now charges a ”10 carry-on assist fee.”
Passenger: ”This is extortion. I won't stand for it. And may I
point out that with your new fully automated procedure, other than
security, you are the first person I have spoken to!”
Attendant: ”Actually, you're right ” you can't stand. You need to
sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the
gate. But first I need that tenner.”
Passenger: ”No way”.
Attendant: ”Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call
official helpers. And you really don't want me to do that.”
Passenger: ”Why not? Is he going to shoot me?”
Attendant: ”No, but there's a ”50 defence team hailing fee.”
Passenger: ”Oh, all right, here ” take the money. I can't believe
this.”
Attendant: ”Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything
else I can do for you?”
Passenger: ”Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't
seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: ”Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert 50
pence into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes. It uses
power you know.”
Passenger: ”The airline is charging me for cabin air?”
Attendant: ”Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free
of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50p.”
Passenger: ”I don't have any 50p coins. Can you change a one pound?”
Attendant: ”Happy to do so. In any event you will want to split it
if you need to use the rest room! Can I offer you anything from the
bar?”